SpecificallyJudy

Lying is

Easy.

The granite slabs of my jaw lower to let words used for truths inundate the tributaries of my relationships—

only,

they’re Damned words.

After the crack, my gaping mouth does not close and lies lies lies flood down my legs,

carrying debris of consequence to future valleys.

I am a wall with Truth behind me, and Lies before,

pouring as the diluvial messages from my mind sink.

I am trying to be concise, like

Hemingway,

and let each word string together to form what I want.

But, the strings feel inadequate for what they should carry

and the emotions I wrought to convey

slip off.

My first cross country practice starts today. I’m really excited and only a tad bit nervous. But as I logged on to Facebook this morning, I saw the status and comments of some other girls on the team. They’re excited too. They talked about running through sprinklers, pranks on boys, and how they were all going to die today. That then reminded me how I could have those same conversations, but it wouldn’t be the same. I don’t have a…persona to shriek phrases like “for daysss”,”preciousss”, and “why are we so cute?”*

because I don’t wear dresses or have any to own. I wear old running instead of black heels. And what for? to make a statement? or for my own comfort? I don’t know, both, I suppose.

*written in the summer of 2011

Wind chilled my bones through the thin, grey cotton shirt I wore. My fingers were growing numb and the social divide between me and People was growing larger; I breathed in my palms—standing a ways from the crowd. I was tired; the day had slipped through. I had helped and laughed and talked and found a place with a Team in a position I still question over, but must rejoice in. I saw a mirror not exact but bent, into a reality different from mine and eight feet away. I made obligations to a chair, and fantasies drifted over the landscape of my head; my green grass is never to feel the brush of his skin, although it does not matter. But to be desired…

I cheered loudly. The same words fumbled out of my mouth the morning before; but in the evening, I screamed from my youth, a place I feel I should visit more and grow more comfortable in. I spoke the words louder than I ever had before because they mattered then. Spoken with People I have spent more time together with than my family, but still know so little about them. That is the great tragedy of People. The Lost Connections. The boy I see across the field is only 100meters away, but I will never know the sphere of his world. And my own bubble will continue to exist, floating higher and higher—reflecting the world, seeing through it—until the day it pops. Dropping bits of Me, in shards of grass, to never be seen again.

We were in a Wal-Mart together.

I came across a puddle on a hill.

Sliding downwards,

Ripples screaming shrills.

And I found the trees surrounding it,

Plush, verdant, and still.

With branches tall to sit and mountains guarding to live.

But every night,

a Storm rolls in

and I close my eyes to see the sight

of the puddle coming in.

An ocean as wide as the highways of cars,

with only mountain tops as signs

of the fertile life no one finds,

until the ocean recedes again

“In any case you mustn’t confuse a single failure with a final defeat.

-F. Scott Fiztergald

“Life happens too fast for you to ever think about it.”

- Kurt Vonnegut

There was a child by the sea.

In a mist of rags and burnt hands

in the forefront of a city landscape that could not help anyone

despite it’s grandeur.

The child played in sands that absorbed dreams faster than water and were drowned there.

That’s why seagulls have no souls when picking at the sand.

Each piece in their mouth,

surrounded by black holes,

while flying through picturesque landscapes,

must be shooed away to keep the food.

(was just another sign of hopelessness)

This is what mothers tell the children.

That the castles they build won’t be washed away by the machines that pull in every day.

That the food found in the sand is delicious. And the city is jealous of them.

Because although it was beautiful;

cities came at a cost.